So, it has been awhile. I had so many things I wanted to talk about, but I lost my password to this account, my phone died, and numerous other things in between managed to discourage me from writing all together.
It's 10:53 PM on 1/27/2017. For some reason I'm incredibly tired and emotionally exhausted. I didn't do anything in particular that would normally make feel this way. Maybe, it's almost the time of the month again. Maybe, things have just bottled up to the point where I feel the need to release everything.
Nothing is going right. Everything is so confusing and stagnant at the same time. I'm looking for something, and I know that no matter how much I search, I won't find it. I need something that could sooth this aching heart, but what will help it? I've felt this feeling so many times and every time, I find myself creating a cookie cutter answer to all the questions I've had when I slightly feel better. It's this constant existential struggle combined with this abnormal physical and societal chaos. Maybe, the answer is right here in me, and I am looking straight at with blissful ignorance. Hopefully, there will be a time I will be able to see it and acknowledge it.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Being Muslim and Not Dating Part 1
You know what I'm really grateful for as a 23 year old Muslim?
...that I have never been in an intimate relationship for as long as I have lived. I'm talking about the love that goes beyond the platonic relationship we have with friends and family. The sad thing is, we grew up in a society where falling in love is considered to be the best thing since water (yes, I know I'm generalizing, but hush hush. I'm trying to make a point). To find the other half of our soul is a noble goal that everyone has on their bucket list. I think for Muslims, this can be a bit more difficult than normal. While most of our peers are going in and out of relationship year after year, we're stuck being single praying that we wouldn't have to do anything forbidden or risky. I don't blame Muslims for getting married early or "settling down" early. You do you. It's damn hard trying to live up to what the world finds to be peaches and cream.
On another note, why do we long for another soul to understand us? Why do we yearn to find a person who would be constant in our life in a world that changes daily? I don't know the answer to my questions. I could wrap my brain around it and find an answer that I would be satisfied with, but I just don't want to do that at this moment in time. Living in such ambivalence is difficult. But you know what? I'm glad I was never in relationship as a teenager. Puberty was hell for me, adding a relationship to that fire would have increased that insecurity more than what the hormones were doing. I'm glad I was able to think about my future. I was able to dream. I was able to ponder about things that went beyond "love". We have eternity to find our other half, but let's not waste our time being miserable contemplating why that person is not in our life at this moment in time. Maybe, that ,in itself can be the reason I don’t date and am not interested in it.
My hand reaches to the sky hoping that you're doing the same thing wherever you are.~
(P.S. Yes, I am aware that there are Muslims who date and have relationships outside of marriage. Blah blah blah)
...that I have never been in an intimate relationship for as long as I have lived. I'm talking about the love that goes beyond the platonic relationship we have with friends and family. The sad thing is, we grew up in a society where falling in love is considered to be the best thing since water (yes, I know I'm generalizing, but hush hush. I'm trying to make a point). To find the other half of our soul is a noble goal that everyone has on their bucket list. I think for Muslims, this can be a bit more difficult than normal. While most of our peers are going in and out of relationship year after year, we're stuck being single praying that we wouldn't have to do anything forbidden or risky. I don't blame Muslims for getting married early or "settling down" early. You do you. It's damn hard trying to live up to what the world finds to be peaches and cream.
On another note, why do we long for another soul to understand us? Why do we yearn to find a person who would be constant in our life in a world that changes daily? I don't know the answer to my questions. I could wrap my brain around it and find an answer that I would be satisfied with, but I just don't want to do that at this moment in time. Living in such ambivalence is difficult. But you know what? I'm glad I was never in relationship as a teenager. Puberty was hell for me, adding a relationship to that fire would have increased that insecurity more than what the hormones were doing. I'm glad I was able to think about my future. I was able to dream. I was able to ponder about things that went beyond "love". We have eternity to find our other half, but let's not waste our time being miserable contemplating why that person is not in our life at this moment in time. Maybe, that ,in itself can be the reason I don’t date and am not interested in it.
My hand reaches to the sky hoping that you're doing the same thing wherever you are.~
(P.S. Yes, I am aware that there are Muslims who date and have relationships outside of marriage. Blah blah blah)
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Hey there! #2
Hey there!
Yes, it's me again. I haven't written on here for a while now. I've been oh so busy in my own little mind that I just couldn't jot down my feelings on paper (or the interwebs to be exact). I intend to write soon, very soon. prepare yourself to be bombarded with terrible grammar!
Goal (that I possibly will not follow because I never follow my own goals): Write a few reflection pieces during Ramadan :-) !
----
Yes, it's me again. I haven't written on here for a while now. I've been oh so busy in my own little mind that I just couldn't jot down my feelings on paper (or the interwebs to be exact). I intend to write soon, very soon. prepare yourself to be bombarded with terrible grammar!
Goal (that I possibly will not follow because I never follow my own goals): Write a few reflection pieces during Ramadan :-) !
----
One of the highlight of my previous Ramadan experience was reading and watching reflection pieces by Khalid Latif, Suhaib Webb, and Haroon Moghul. For a person who struggled with faith and spirituality, their perspective on life
was thought-provoking and heartwarming.
I guarantee that my writing will not
be insightful, but I honestly want to jot down some of my thoughts for this
Ramadan. It may or may not be related to Ramadan specifically, but it will, as
always, deal with how I perceive the world.
Finding God in the Bathroom
(Note to self: I actually did not pray in the bathroom again after that one time. It felt so gross that I could not even concentrate on the prayers.)
----
1/20/16 A.M
It's 3 o'clock in the night as I type this. Today will be the first day of my last semester in grad school (if everything goes smoothly, inshallah). I cannot sleep because my mind is flooding me with tons of thoughts and emotions. I keep crying because that's all I can do. Who would take the time out of their sleep to understand what I'm going through? It's my fault though, I should have never thought about death in the first place.
Let me explain myself from the very beginning. I had a very dandy day, and all of I sudden I attempted to do something new. In Islam, reminding yourself of death is supposed to help you appreciate life and use time more wisely and efficently. Thinking that it would be wonderful, I tried it. I have always had the feeling that I am not going to live long and thinking about that scares the shit out of me for so many reasons. I gushed out crying because there is a lot of things that needs to be done. It's winter, and in one of these day it will snow heavily. I'm going to mark my footprint on the pure snow. People will step over it, and it will eventually become muddy before it melts away. That's life. I have a certain period of time I have on Earth, and then I'll die. Then people around me will also. Eventually no one is this world will remember me. The snow will fall and other footprints will be made.
That being said, what is it that I want to do for myself?
Over these years, I feel like I'm slowly forgetting my own religion. I'm allowing what the world say to me to strip away the one thing that ever made sense to me; and the more I try retrieving it back, I'm not putting enough force to achieve what I want. How can things that were so clear to me become so foggy and distant? I know I've change and grown. My opinions have also shifted, but it doesn't mean that what I love and take pride should be taken away from me by those people who aren't Muslims and those people who are "religious" Muslims. All my questions have answers but I'm not even willing to search for it. I remain still and cry instead of running to get what I want and need to satisfy my soul. I have other priorities in my life at this moment and time, but I'm not getting anything done. My answers are even written in books but it's so hard to finish reading anything. I cannot get through two pages before my mind shifts to something completely different. I cannot even finish a book so I consider reading 3/4th of a book to be complete. It's really difficult. I'm like Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron. I can never finish anything.
As a Muslim, the 5 prayers are considered to be very important. If we go through any struggle, the prayers give us a way to reflect and have a conversation with the one and only. I'm going to be honest, I used to never prayed wholeheartedly. It was something that I felt mandated to do and never felt the pleasure in doing (that's one of the many reason I hate when people call me religious). Recently, I've been wanting to pray but I feel so uncomfortable praying at home. My mother and my sister would actually be delighted if I did, but that's the thing, I do not want to my pray to please them because it's not for them. It's for me and Allah. There was actually a day not too long ago when no one was home, and I found myself at peace praying so I know it's something I want to do. I just fear their presence. Eventually I'll have to get over it, but I don't think I can now. I'll be reciting surah Fatiah in the first Rakah, and one of my family member would pass by, and I'll stop my prayer as if I was never doing it in the first place.
I recall Imam Suhaib Webb saying that he discovered Islam in the bathroom because he was afraid of what his mother's reaction would be. I know this is probably forbidden in my faith, but I think I might start praying in the bathroom. Not public bathrooms, my home bathroom. I'm dreading this because it sound so gross to me, but I'll take a piece of cloth and pray on it until I feel comfortable being able to praying in public. Maybe I can find God in my bathroom. Maybe I can find some peace. One of my brother once told me that his classmate would make up excuses so he could pray because it was kind of really hard to explain to people who aren't Muslim about the ritual. It's even more awkward when you don't have the space to pray, so your pray outside in public because you're r9unning out of time. I admire those people who are capable of letting go of all their fears and worries if they solely do it for God). It takes courage to follow faith properly.
Prayers are so different from duas. I find myself making duas all the time, but what's the purpose if I'm not doing the requirement of my faith?
Goal of this year: Find God in the bathroom (this will probably be a disaster because I fear places like that.) .
Future me. I know you'll definitely forget the feelings you're feeling at this moment, but I wish you remember even a drop. Jihad al-nafs. Jihad al-nafs. Jihad al-nafs!!! Remember, your struggle might seem insignificant to others, but it is significant to you. This is what you can handle, and this what you will get through.
SAHIH INTERNATIONAL Translation of Verse 2:286
Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."
----
1/20/16 A.M
It's 3 o'clock in the night as I type this. Today will be the first day of my last semester in grad school (if everything goes smoothly, inshallah). I cannot sleep because my mind is flooding me with tons of thoughts and emotions. I keep crying because that's all I can do. Who would take the time out of their sleep to understand what I'm going through? It's my fault though, I should have never thought about death in the first place.
Let me explain myself from the very beginning. I had a very dandy day, and all of I sudden I attempted to do something new. In Islam, reminding yourself of death is supposed to help you appreciate life and use time more wisely and efficently. Thinking that it would be wonderful, I tried it. I have always had the feeling that I am not going to live long and thinking about that scares the shit out of me for so many reasons. I gushed out crying because there is a lot of things that needs to be done. It's winter, and in one of these day it will snow heavily. I'm going to mark my footprint on the pure snow. People will step over it, and it will eventually become muddy before it melts away. That's life. I have a certain period of time I have on Earth, and then I'll die. Then people around me will also. Eventually no one is this world will remember me. The snow will fall and other footprints will be made.
That being said, what is it that I want to do for myself?
Over these years, I feel like I'm slowly forgetting my own religion. I'm allowing what the world say to me to strip away the one thing that ever made sense to me; and the more I try retrieving it back, I'm not putting enough force to achieve what I want. How can things that were so clear to me become so foggy and distant? I know I've change and grown. My opinions have also shifted, but it doesn't mean that what I love and take pride should be taken away from me by those people who aren't Muslims and those people who are "religious" Muslims. All my questions have answers but I'm not even willing to search for it. I remain still and cry instead of running to get what I want and need to satisfy my soul. I have other priorities in my life at this moment and time, but I'm not getting anything done. My answers are even written in books but it's so hard to finish reading anything. I cannot get through two pages before my mind shifts to something completely different. I cannot even finish a book so I consider reading 3/4th of a book to be complete. It's really difficult. I'm like Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron. I can never finish anything.
As a Muslim, the 5 prayers are considered to be very important. If we go through any struggle, the prayers give us a way to reflect and have a conversation with the one and only. I'm going to be honest, I used to never prayed wholeheartedly. It was something that I felt mandated to do and never felt the pleasure in doing (that's one of the many reason I hate when people call me religious). Recently, I've been wanting to pray but I feel so uncomfortable praying at home. My mother and my sister would actually be delighted if I did, but that's the thing, I do not want to my pray to please them because it's not for them. It's for me and Allah. There was actually a day not too long ago when no one was home, and I found myself at peace praying so I know it's something I want to do. I just fear their presence. Eventually I'll have to get over it, but I don't think I can now. I'll be reciting surah Fatiah in the first Rakah, and one of my family member would pass by, and I'll stop my prayer as if I was never doing it in the first place.
I recall Imam Suhaib Webb saying that he discovered Islam in the bathroom because he was afraid of what his mother's reaction would be. I know this is probably forbidden in my faith, but I think I might start praying in the bathroom. Not public bathrooms, my home bathroom. I'm dreading this because it sound so gross to me, but I'll take a piece of cloth and pray on it until I feel comfortable being able to praying in public. Maybe I can find God in my bathroom. Maybe I can find some peace. One of my brother once told me that his classmate would make up excuses so he could pray because it was kind of really hard to explain to people who aren't Muslim about the ritual. It's even more awkward when you don't have the space to pray, so your pray outside in public because you're r9unning out of time. I admire those people who are capable of letting go of all their fears and worries if they solely do it for God). It takes courage to follow faith properly.
Prayers are so different from duas. I find myself making duas all the time, but what's the purpose if I'm not doing the requirement of my faith?
Goal of this year: Find God in the bathroom (this will probably be a disaster because I fear places like that.) .
Future me. I know you'll definitely forget the feelings you're feeling at this moment, but I wish you remember even a drop. Jihad al-nafs. Jihad al-nafs. Jihad al-nafs!!! Remember, your struggle might seem insignificant to others, but it is significant to you. This is what you can handle, and this what you will get through.
SAHIH INTERNATIONAL Translation of Verse 2:286
Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."
Monday, March 28, 2016
Being a Muslim and Hugging the Opposite Sex 2/9/16
I live in the West. Time is changing. Gender is not binary. Blah blah blah.
But you know what?? I'm still Muslim! That means I grew up with some gender rules that I want to follow even as an adult. Hugging the opposite sex is one of them. I used to dislike hugs in general, but I passionately abhor hugging the male gender. That said, it's becoming harder to maintain that boundary. I no longer am capable of speaking up for myself and saying what I don't want to do. Can you imagine being in a room hugging everyone, and then you approach one male and you have say "Sorry, I cannot hug you because of my religion"? Do you know how uncomfortable it's starting to feel for me to even say that!?
I do not believe all hugs are sexual by any means, but I do want to follow my faith the best way I possibly can, and it's getting difficult to do so. I remember a few years ago I wrote to myself about the awkward hug I gave one of my classmates because he caught me off guard with our serendipitous meeting. I was polite and all, but in the back of my mind I was dying from self-hate and guilt because just a weeks before this took place, I firmly told another guy I did not give hugs. He understood and gave a handshake instead. How is it that I was able to tell this one guy, but I was no longer able to tell anyone after that? I'm so frustrated at myself!!
Recently, a middle-aged (old?)man asked me to give him a hug, and I quickly embraced him. I didn't want to, but I did not have the heart to say no to someone like him. He made me feel like a little girl and I viewed him as a guardian figure. How could I say "no" in moments when there is no time to think or formulate an elaborate sentence to express politely what I can and cannot do without it sounding irrational, super-conservative, and ridiculously insensitive? The problem is, I think way too much. That's why I like it when the opposite sex knows/chooses not to approach me with a hug because I for sure will never initiate a hug with anyone who identifies as the male gender. Thank you to those who do not ask. Thank you for allowing silence to be the awkward moment instead of the hug! I appreciate it greatly.
You know, I attempted not to give handshakes when I was younger as well. I never knew handshakes were "forbidden" until my sibling mentioned it. I kudos her for being able to not give handshakes to the opposite sex even until now. I gave up on that long ago. I did not feel it was practical for me as with many other Muslims living in the West ( I assume this rule also applies to some people in the Orthodox Jewish community? I might be wrong). I do not think I'm going to hell either for that because it's quite necessary for me to give handshakes daily (although I do not see why people view handshakes as a way to greet people. One word: Germs!! You never know, the person you choose to have a handshake with could have picked his nose before he touched your hands, or gone to the bathroom without washing his hands. I digress) That being said, the hugging "rule" makes me ponder about how much I am willing conform to satisfy societies standard? How much will I compromise my faith to make others accept me and feel comfortable around being near this eccentric Muslim?
I have not doubt, guilt, or shame when I handshake someone of the opposite sex. However, I'm afraid there will be a point when I'll have no doubt, shame or guilt for hugging the opposite sex. I have a feeling I'm going to justify my actions to myself even though it's not necessary. This type of guilt helps me stay true to myself, and I do not want to lose it so I can fit and be normal. But I'm afraid...I'm afraid.
Side story: I knew an older Muslim woman who felt guilty for handshaking her doctor. She lived in Bangladesh most of her life, so handshakes casually were never something she had to do because that was not part of her culture. It felt haram for her. That got me curious; this older women gave hugs to distant male relatives that were not her Mahram, and she felt comfortable with that.
It's interesting how culture can play a role in what we feel guilty for about our religion.
Update: 5/29/16 Right after I wrote this, I started to give hugs to the opposite gender. In fact, in some cases, I was the one who initiated the hugs! It just became too hard for me to not to do a gesture that is so very common to do. The guilt that I had is slowly diminishing, and I hate it. It's funny how life works. When I wrote this particular blog post, my intention was to reassure myself of my original intention, but here I am! Being my predictable self, and doing the opposite of what I intended to do.
To all those who have the capacity to follow the things they believe in wholeheartedly, I will always admire you, even when I cannot do it myself
Update: 5/29/16 Right after I wrote this, I started to give hugs to the opposite gender. In fact, in some cases, I was the one who initiated the hugs! It just became too hard for me to not to do a gesture that is so very common to do. The guilt that I had is slowly diminishing, and I hate it. It's funny how life works. When I wrote this particular blog post, my intention was to reassure myself of my original intention, but here I am! Being my predictable self, and doing the opposite of what I intended to do.
To all those who have the capacity to follow the things they believe in wholeheartedly, I will always admire you, even when I cannot do it myself
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Hey there!
It's been awhile since I wrote to myself on this blog. In truth, I have more than 4 drafts sitting on my computer, but I do not have the patience to read it over and post it here.
God, I'm never consistent. When I make goals for myself, I slowly back away from it even when the goal is simple like keeping up with my own blog/writing/artwork.
Anyway, peace out. Forever. Fornever.
God, I'm never consistent. When I make goals for myself, I slowly back away from it even when the goal is simple like keeping up with my own blog/writing/artwork.
Anyway, peace out. Forever. Fornever.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Confusion
The poems I write confuses me. I know I purposely speak in metaphors so my future-self won't remember, but nothing seems to make sense without context.
3/3/14
The world tossed you up to the sky,
caught you before you landed on the cold pavement,
and threw you down the rabbit hole.
caught you before you landed on the cold pavement,
and threw you down the rabbit hole.
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