Finding God in the Bathroom

(Note to self: I actually did not pray in the bathroom again after that one time. It felt so gross that I could not even concentrate on the prayers.)
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1/20/16 A.M

It's 3 o'clock in the night as I type this. Today will be the first day of my last semester in grad school (if everything goes smoothly, inshallah). I cannot sleep because my mind is flooding me with tons of thoughts and emotions. I keep crying because that's all I can do. Who would take the time out of their sleep to understand what I'm going through? It's my fault though, I should have never thought about death in the first place.

Let me explain myself from the very beginning. I had a very dandy day, and all of I sudden I attempted to do something new. In Islam, reminding yourself of death is supposed to help you appreciate life and use time more wisely and efficently. Thinking that it would be wonderful, I tried it. I have always had the feeling that I am not going to live long and thinking about that scares the shit out of me for so many reasons. I gushed out crying because there is a lot of things that needs to be done. It's winter, and in one of these day it will snow heavily. I'm going to mark my footprint on the pure snow. People will step over it, and it will eventually become muddy before it melts away. That's life. I have a certain period of time I have on Earth, and then I'll die. Then people around me will also. Eventually no one is this world will remember me. The snow will fall and other footprints will be made.
That being said, what is it that I want to do for myself?

Over these years, I feel like I'm slowly forgetting my own religion. I'm allowing what the world say to me to strip away the one thing that ever made sense to me; and the more I try retrieving it back, I'm not putting enough force to achieve what I want. How can things that were so clear to me become so foggy and distant? I know I've change and grown. My opinions have also shifted, but it doesn't mean that what I love and take pride should  be taken away from me by those people who aren't Muslims and those people who are "religious" Muslims. All my questions have answers but I'm not even willing to search for it. I remain still and cry instead of running to get what I want and need to satisfy my soul. I have other priorities in my life at this moment and time, but I'm not getting anything done. My answers are even written in books but it's so hard to finish reading anything. I cannot get through two pages before my mind shifts to something completely different. I cannot even finish a book so  I consider reading 3/4th of a book to be complete. It's really difficult. I'm like Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron. I can never finish anything.

As a Muslim, the 5 prayers are considered to be very important. If we go through any struggle, the prayers give us a way to reflect and have a conversation with the one and only. I'm going to be honest, I used to never prayed wholeheartedly. It was something that I felt mandated to do and never felt the pleasure in doing (that's one of the many reason I hate when people call me religious). Recently, I've been wanting to pray but I feel so uncomfortable praying at home. My mother and my sister would actually be delighted if I did, but that's the thing, I do not want to my pray to please them because it's not for them. It's for me and Allah. There was actually a day not too long ago when no one was home, and I found myself at peace praying so I know it's something I want to do. I just fear their presence. Eventually I'll have to get over it, but I don't think I can now. I'll be reciting surah Fatiah in the first Rakah, and one of my family member would pass by, and I'll stop my prayer as if I was never doing it in the first place.
I recall Imam Suhaib Webb saying that he discovered Islam in the bathroom because he was afraid of what his mother's reaction would be. I know this is probably forbidden in my faith, but I think I might start praying in the bathroom. Not public bathrooms, my home bathroom. I'm dreading this because it sound so gross to me, but I'll take a piece of cloth and pray on it until I feel comfortable being able to praying in public. Maybe I can find God in my bathroom. Maybe I can find some peace. One of my brother once told me that  his classmate would make up excuses so he could pray because it was kind of really hard to explain to people who aren't Muslim about the ritual. It's even more awkward when you don't have the space to pray, so your pray outside in public because you're r9unning out of time. I admire those people who are capable of letting go of all their fears and worries if they solely do it for God). It takes courage to follow faith properly.
Prayers are so different from duas. I find myself making duas all the time, but what's the purpose if I'm not doing the requirement of my faith?
Goal of this year: Find God in the bathroom (this will probably be a disaster because I fear places like that.) .

Future me. I know you'll definitely forget the feelings you're feeling at this moment, but I wish you remember even a drop. Jihad al-nafs. Jihad al-nafs. Jihad al-nafs!!! Remember, your struggle might seem insignificant to others, but it is significant to you. This is what you can handle, and this what you will get through.

SAHIH INTERNATIONAL Translation of Verse 2:286
Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."

Culturally Muslim

My entire life, I defined a Muslim as an individual who believed in the oneness of God and that Muhammed, peace be upon him, was the last messenger (give or take on the latter part of this declaration because of the various sects Islam has nowadays). It never mattered to me whether the person was devout or non-practicing, as long as he/she believed in the basic premises of Islam, then he/she was, in fact, a Muslim.

I believed that Islam was not something that could be "inherited" through blood. That meant that just because my father was Muslim, did not mean that I was automatically a Muslim. Our blood did not make us special-- we chose to be Muslims and, therefore, we were Muslims. 

"All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black, nor a black has any superiority over a white- except by piety and good action." ~ Some translation (I obviously found and copied/pasted from the internet) of Prophet's last sermon.

We have free-will. We get to choose our faith. I believed in that so much because unlike Muhammed (S.A.W), I was not Arab. I was just this Desi chick in a White world who did not really fit the mold of what was considered to be awesome-sauce. So, there was no way that I would willingly follow a faith that saw me as second-class. I did not need that bullshit. Similarly, that was the reason I was glad that Muhammad was Arab. Most of the lovely prophets before Muhammad were Jews. He (S.A.W) was just this oddball that added another color to the mosaic glass that was meant to describe prophet-hood (no pun intended).

Anywho, I did not think Islam was meant for a specific group of people. That being said, if someone did not believe in the declaration of faith, then he or she was not Muslim. In my family, I have a few people that were not Muslims, and I chose to make sure that I did not consider them Muslims. Not because I was some pretentious butthole, but because I thought it would be disrespectful to my religion and to the people who had left that faith. Why be labeled as something that you have no connection or feelings for?

But I digress, recently I had a conversation with two people, and it slightly changed how I viewed religion, especially Islam.

 

Person 1:

She claimed that she was Muslim, but she neither practiced nor believed in God. While I questioned her out of sheer curiosity, she stated that she grew up with Islam. It was part of her culture and how she was raised. Even though she verbally expressed that she did not believe in God, she had moments and still has moments when she calls out to Allah when placed in troubled situations. "I might not believe, but maybe my subconscious does.

It took me a while to completely soak that in and attempt to understand its complexity. I was raised to believe in God. I've tried not to believe in Him, and I just could not do that. Regardless of being "conditioned", I still found myself a bit upset that I could not discover this path without it being "passed down" to me (I'm also really grateful for it, but that is a different story). I felt a little startled from hearing her because I knew people who left Islam after practicing it since birth; I did not consider them Muslims because that was not who they were. However, after hearing her, I stepped back a tad bit; I do see the influence Islam and the Islamic culture still has on those people. Some of their actions and reactions toward certain things show how Islam continues to play a role in their life for the good, the bad, the pretty, and the ugly.

 

Person 2:

This particular person talked about a Muslim she was close to. At a very young age, the Muslim person was forced to leave his country because of his religious beliefs. Eventually, this person was raised in the U.S. He never practiced Islam and knew anything about it. Nonetheless, he still considered himself to be Muslim even when some community members believed otherwise.

This story was easier for me to process. The person's community was being persecuted for their belief system. Whether the person chose to practice it later on in life was not important. The person's childhood was drastically changed because of religion!!

Now, I'm still  fascinated because Islam could be seen as a culture in the greater scheme of things. I may never completely accept it, but I can see and fathom it! If this person wanted to be known as a Muslim, then I have no right to say he is not. He went through more obstacles for being a Muslim than I possibly ever will