I live in the West. Time is changing. Gender is not binary. Blah blah blah.
But you know what?? I'm still Muslim! That means I grew up with some gender rules that I want to follow even as an adult. Hugging the opposite sex is one of them. I used to dislike hugs in general, but I passionately abhor hugging the male gender. That said, it's becoming harder to maintain that boundary. I no longer am capable of speaking up for myself and saying what I don't want to do. Can you imagine being in a room hugging everyone, and then you approach one male and you have say "Sorry, I cannot hug you because of my religion"? Do you know how uncomfortable it's starting to feel for me to even say that!?
I do not believe all hugs are sexual by any means, but I do want to follow my faith the best way I possibly can, and it's getting difficult to do so. I remember a few years ago I wrote to myself about the awkward hug I gave one of my classmates because he caught me off guard with our serendipitous meeting. I was polite and all, but in the back of my mind I was dying from self-hate and guilt because just a weeks before this took place, I firmly told another guy I did not give hugs. He understood and gave a handshake instead. How is it that I was able to tell this one guy, but I was no longer able to tell anyone after that? I'm so frustrated at myself!!
Recently, a middle-aged (old?)man asked me to give him a hug, and I quickly embraced him. I didn't want to, but I did not have the heart to say no to someone like him. He made me feel like a little girl and I viewed him as a guardian figure. How could I say "no" in moments when there is no time to think or formulate an elaborate sentence to express politely what I can and cannot do without it sounding irrational, super-conservative, and ridiculously insensitive? The problem is, I think way too much. That's why I like it when the opposite sex knows/chooses not to approach me with a hug because I for sure will never initiate a hug with anyone who identifies as the male gender. Thank you to those who do not ask. Thank you for allowing silence to be the awkward moment instead of the hug! I appreciate it greatly.
You know, I attempted not to give handshakes when I was younger as well. I never knew handshakes were "forbidden" until my sibling mentioned it. I kudos her for being able to not give handshakes to the opposite sex even until now. I gave up on that long ago. I did not feel it was practical for me as with many other Muslims living in the West ( I assume this rule also applies to some people in the Orthodox Jewish community? I might be wrong). I do not think I'm going to hell either for that because it's quite necessary for me to give handshakes daily (although I do not see why people view handshakes as a way to greet people. One word: Germs!! You never know, the person you choose to have a handshake with could have picked his nose before he touched your hands, or gone to the bathroom without washing his hands. I digress) That being said, the hugging "rule" makes me ponder about how much I am willing conform to satisfy societies standard? How much will I compromise my faith to make others accept me and feel comfortable around being near this eccentric Muslim?
I have not doubt, guilt, or shame when I handshake someone of the opposite sex. However, I'm afraid there will be a point when I'll have no doubt, shame or guilt for hugging the opposite sex. I have a feeling I'm going to justify my actions to myself even though it's not necessary. This type of guilt helps me stay true to myself, and I do not want to lose it so I can fit and be normal. But I'm afraid...I'm afraid.
Side story: I knew an older Muslim woman who felt guilty for handshaking her doctor. She lived in Bangladesh most of her life, so handshakes casually were never something she had to do because that was not part of her culture. It felt haram for her. That got me curious; this older women gave hugs to distant male relatives that were not her Mahram, and she felt comfortable with that.
It's interesting how culture can play a role in what we feel guilty for about our religion.
Update: 5/29/16 Right after I wrote this, I started to give hugs to the opposite gender. In fact, in some cases, I was the one who initiated the hugs! It just became too hard for me to not to do a gesture that is so very common to do. The guilt that I had is slowly diminishing, and I hate it. It's funny how life works. When I wrote this particular blog post, my intention was to reassure myself of my original intention, but here I am! Being my predictable self, and doing the opposite of what I intended to do.
To all those who have the capacity to follow the things they believe in wholeheartedly, I will always admire you, even when I cannot do it myself
Update: 5/29/16 Right after I wrote this, I started to give hugs to the opposite gender. In fact, in some cases, I was the one who initiated the hugs! It just became too hard for me to not to do a gesture that is so very common to do. The guilt that I had is slowly diminishing, and I hate it. It's funny how life works. When I wrote this particular blog post, my intention was to reassure myself of my original intention, but here I am! Being my predictable self, and doing the opposite of what I intended to do.
To all those who have the capacity to follow the things they believe in wholeheartedly, I will always admire you, even when I cannot do it myself
