Sweet nostalgia

"Look at my eyes, Faye. One of them is a fake because I lost it in an accident. Since then, I've been seeing the past in one eye and the present in the other. So, I thought I could only see patches of reality, never the whole picture. I felt like I was watching a dream I could never wake up from. Before I knew it, the dream was all over. " - Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop

 
It's amazing how nostalgia works.

One minute I'm sitting in a room trying to put some of my stuff together, and then all of sudden a memory pops in my head, and I am gone from reality. No matter how hard I try to remain present, the memories somehow suck me into a vortex of the past.

There is a possibility that I actually enjoy the spontaneity of memories bursting into my head and fogging my eyes from seeing what exist in front of me.

But you know, it's a bitter-sweet feeling to be able to connect to my younger self. I admire my 7-year-old self. Nothing ever phases her. She is so sure of what she is doing. She is curious and has a zest for life. She is unbelievably ignorant about the things that are really happening that she can maintain her tenaciously fierce attitude and still be shy, quiet, and quirky. I wonder, will there ever be a time I can become like her again?

Having said that, I do not want to be a 7-year-old. I do not wish to repeat my childhood again. Given how I act, I am pretty sure I will make the same mistakes over and over and still force myself to believe that putting muster on my pizza is the most delectable cuisine in the world. No matter how much regret I have for all the stupid things I've done (and haven't done), if I ever had the chance to go back to the past, I'm a 100% sure that I will not be able to change anything because my reaction is always based on the circumstance I'm placed in. I do no think I can stop myself from feeling how I feel even if I knew the outcome of the situation.... also, I probably will still pee on my pants every time we will go to family picnics or places far away because I will always be so engulfed by the moment that I won't even realize that I'm drinking gallons of juice bottles without having used the bathroom in the morning.

It's interesting. As a 23-year-old looking at the past, I cannot help but laugh and feel sorry for myself (puberty was hell, but we're not gonna talk about that). There's so much I did not know, and there is so much I do not know. We are who are because of our experiences. The memories that we claim are so dear changes with time. Memories are not constant, and the feelings evoked from remembering moments are not constant either. Even now, I'm finding puzzle pieces to the past that I never knew existed. I cannot see the entire universe by sitting at the edge of the cliff. I can see parts of the earth that is in close proximity, but never the whole thing. The same goes for my past, and I am okay with that because that is life. (*cough*similar to memory implantation. Look at this article *cough*). And yet, I'm still captivated by something that is beyond my reach; something that I cannot hold, touch, smell or hug.

 Unfortunately for me, if I'm not thinking about the past, I'm also fantasizing the future. I wish my dreams of the years to come were rational, but they're straight up fiction. I cannot help but create a world that doesn't exist and will never exist. I think I'm so stressed out that in order to avoid the feeling of fear, I see the past in one eye and the future in the other. I'm living in a dream where the present is not reality.

"Where're you going? Why are you going? You told me once to forget the past, 'cause it doesn't matter... but you're the one still tied to the past, Spike! My memory… finally came back…but… nothing good came of it. There was no place for me to return to; this was the only place I could go." -Faye, Cowboy Bebop