Finding God in the Bathroom

(Note to self: I actually did not pray in the bathroom again after that one time. It felt so gross that I could not even concentrate on the prayers.)
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1/20/16 A.M

It's 3 o'clock in the night as I type this. Today will be the first day of my last semester in grad school (if everything goes smoothly, inshallah). I cannot sleep because my mind is flooding me with tons of thoughts and emotions. I keep crying because that's all I can do. Who would take the time out of their sleep to understand what I'm going through? It's my fault though, I should have never thought about death in the first place.

Let me explain myself from the very beginning. I had a very dandy day, and all of I sudden I attempted to do something new. In Islam, reminding yourself of death is supposed to help you appreciate life and use time more wisely and efficently. Thinking that it would be wonderful, I tried it. I have always had the feeling that I am not going to live long and thinking about that scares the shit out of me for so many reasons. I gushed out crying because there is a lot of things that needs to be done. It's winter, and in one of these day it will snow heavily. I'm going to mark my footprint on the pure snow. People will step over it, and it will eventually become muddy before it melts away. That's life. I have a certain period of time I have on Earth, and then I'll die. Then people around me will also. Eventually no one is this world will remember me. The snow will fall and other footprints will be made.
That being said, what is it that I want to do for myself?

Over these years, I feel like I'm slowly forgetting my own religion. I'm allowing what the world say to me to strip away the one thing that ever made sense to me; and the more I try retrieving it back, I'm not putting enough force to achieve what I want. How can things that were so clear to me become so foggy and distant? I know I've change and grown. My opinions have also shifted, but it doesn't mean that what I love and take pride should  be taken away from me by those people who aren't Muslims and those people who are "religious" Muslims. All my questions have answers but I'm not even willing to search for it. I remain still and cry instead of running to get what I want and need to satisfy my soul. I have other priorities in my life at this moment and time, but I'm not getting anything done. My answers are even written in books but it's so hard to finish reading anything. I cannot get through two pages before my mind shifts to something completely different. I cannot even finish a book so  I consider reading 3/4th of a book to be complete. It's really difficult. I'm like Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron. I can never finish anything.

As a Muslim, the 5 prayers are considered to be very important. If we go through any struggle, the prayers give us a way to reflect and have a conversation with the one and only. I'm going to be honest, I used to never prayed wholeheartedly. It was something that I felt mandated to do and never felt the pleasure in doing (that's one of the many reason I hate when people call me religious). Recently, I've been wanting to pray but I feel so uncomfortable praying at home. My mother and my sister would actually be delighted if I did, but that's the thing, I do not want to my pray to please them because it's not for them. It's for me and Allah. There was actually a day not too long ago when no one was home, and I found myself at peace praying so I know it's something I want to do. I just fear their presence. Eventually I'll have to get over it, but I don't think I can now. I'll be reciting surah Fatiah in the first Rakah, and one of my family member would pass by, and I'll stop my prayer as if I was never doing it in the first place.
I recall Imam Suhaib Webb saying that he discovered Islam in the bathroom because he was afraid of what his mother's reaction would be. I know this is probably forbidden in my faith, but I think I might start praying in the bathroom. Not public bathrooms, my home bathroom. I'm dreading this because it sound so gross to me, but I'll take a piece of cloth and pray on it until I feel comfortable being able to praying in public. Maybe I can find God in my bathroom. Maybe I can find some peace. One of my brother once told me that  his classmate would make up excuses so he could pray because it was kind of really hard to explain to people who aren't Muslim about the ritual. It's even more awkward when you don't have the space to pray, so your pray outside in public because you're r9unning out of time. I admire those people who are capable of letting go of all their fears and worries if they solely do it for God). It takes courage to follow faith properly.
Prayers are so different from duas. I find myself making duas all the time, but what's the purpose if I'm not doing the requirement of my faith?
Goal of this year: Find God in the bathroom (this will probably be a disaster because I fear places like that.) .

Future me. I know you'll definitely forget the feelings you're feeling at this moment, but I wish you remember even a drop. Jihad al-nafs. Jihad al-nafs. Jihad al-nafs!!! Remember, your struggle might seem insignificant to others, but it is significant to you. This is what you can handle, and this what you will get through.

SAHIH INTERNATIONAL Translation of Verse 2:286
Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."